Another April 22nd

To My Man in the Moon

Dear Dad,

You know I hate today. Earth Day.  Every year it feels like it mocks me and my pain as if to say Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Your father was given to the Earth. I have hated it. I have loathed it. And now I am trying to be a "big girl" and turn this day into something I can celebrate and share with my son.

Okay, I'm crying. At some point I probably should have seen a counselor to deal with my grief. I know, I know, it's never too late. Perhaps someday I will. I hope when I need it, I have the strength to do it. For now I will try and deal with my pain and sorrow the best way I know how...Your looking at it! lol

 Twenty One years ago? I feel pretty old. I feel really old. And broken. Yep. I am still broken. Ha ha ha.

They lie when they say that it gets better. It never gets better, it just changes. It morphs through the years and creeps into every aspect of your life. It gets spread out, rather than this concentrated thick black grief it becomes a blanket of fog that blows into different parts of you. But it never goes away. When your a kid I guess you just kind of believe what others say. You want to, you need to. But as  you get older, the grief changes you. As a teenager I know it changed me. Self destructive behavior and other things that spiral and run you and your self esteem and self image down. I know there are many things I did that was just an act of pain, even though I didn't understand it at the time.


I missed out. You missed out. I have every right to be angry and upset about that. But when your young, you don't care why you think and want things, you just do. Luckily I came out alright. lol

But I will never get over being without you. I can't. I gave up trying and am now just trying to connect.
I sent Mike and Debbie a message. Just letting them know that I love them, and letting them know how much they are a link you for me. In so many ways, they know you so much better than I ever will. I envy them so much for that. I hope one day to know more about you through them, so I can in turn share that with Liam.

I love you.

Tomorrow I will post my poem to you from forever ago. It's green and immature but that's what I was when I wrote it, and it said everything I needed to say at the time.

Love,

Sondra

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