Struggling

To The Man In The Moon - 
Earth Day followed closely with Cinco De Mayo and Mothers Day. The culmination of spring. This year is rough. I wish I felt the hope and was filled with a light hearted spirit. I wish that I wasn't feeling so lost. I am utterly unmotivated and struggling to do the most basic of things. 
Part of me wants to rage and fight. But I can't seem to find the energy needed to battle. So I just keep treading water. Waiting for something to change. Waiting for me to stop trying so hard tovmake progress and actually make something happen. 
Everyday. Everyday I tell myself all the things I could and should do to make it better for myself. And everyday I struggle to get up. To push past the stomach pain and the issues. I know that not being able to control my body and its ups and mainly downs is a big piece of the self hatred and loathing. The part that keeps drowning waiting for a better day. When I know full well that it's not going to go away, not going to stop. So I had better just suck it up and do what I need to. 
But another week goes by. 
Another weekend another month. 
I am struggling to show up and do anything. I'm struggling to find the point. And it's not like I don't care. I care. I hate that I care but fuck I do. I don't want to keep just surviving. I want to live and enjoy things. I want to. 

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