Even if it's just in your wildest dreams

To The Man In The Moon  -

Why am I not meant for love that is real and worth fighting for? I dont think I know what true love is. Unconditional love doesn't exist. There are stipulations and rules. There are timelines and agendas. I am inconvenient and trouble. I am hopeless and pathetic. I am in my own nightmare. He stole all the hope,  the faith I had. I can't breath. 

All I can think about is him and all the things I wish I could say. The things I wish I meant to him.
 I woke up this morning looking for your face till dreaming of the day I would wake up next to you. I never would have thought by the end of the day you would be telling me you are just my friend. Everyday for the last 5-6 months...everyday... you were my smile, my person, my laughter, my fight and my joy. I have longed for you with an ache as if a piece of my body was missing. I have struggled with all my insecurities and doubts fighting my demons to be stronger and worthy of you and your love. I have grown as a person, in my heart; my thinking, my faith and my dreams by being with you. You. Building something with you, being happy with you. A future with you. Time was only measured in the moments we were apart. Knowing it was going to be you and me at the end of this kept hope and happiness alive in my heart and my head. But I can't help feeling like it was all pretend. That it was me dreaming. I never thought after asking you so many times and talking with you about things as much as we did that you would make all my nightmares come true. I told you so many times I just wanted you to be happy. And you always made me believe that I was the big piece of that. As you are for me. You say it wasn't lies. But it must have been if I dont mean more than this. I deserve more than this...friendship. I am something worth the fight. I am worth the mess and the trouble. I am worth the risk. The gamble. The cost. Fuck. I am. 
What is it that makes me so unlovable? So easily discarded? So unworthy? 
I wouldn't hesitate to do what's needed to be with him. I think that's what hurts the most. I'd fight and have fought the battles with myself, my friends; my family, with my sons father, to love and start a life with this man. 
But when everything happened....I can't find words to explain.. but I felt like he knew but couldn't find the words or courage to say...our love and the fight and things he would have to do for me to be with me or start a life with me...it is not worth it to him. 
I never thought it would be like this. I promise you Dad, God, Mom. I never would have hurt him, me, or anyone one if I didn't believe that this was meant for me. God knows how much I prayed on this. Everything he showed me, every thing God  answered led me to trust and be patient with Matt. To see and love his struggle and his heart. Even now Dad, while I hurt while I struggle. I know God wants me to give Matt the love and support I always have. And so I promised to try my best and be what Matt asked of me. To be his friend. But again I am alone in my struggle. Loving and caring for someone who does not reciprocate or give me back these things. I serve the Lord not the men I love. I love the men for who they are good or bad and I am happy my love serves them and in turn shows them the mercy I feel in God love. That God wants love to be because of who we are as a whole. I just wish someone would share that love with me. 

Praying for strength and wisdom, for hope and compassion. For my dream of waking up next to a man who sees me for all I am, the good and the bad and will help me believe my worth. 

Goodnight Dad. I need you watching over me please. I dont know how to be okay right now.

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