Men Are Lethal

Man In The Moon, 

Losing you so young I never had the father figure to help me navigate the world of boys and men. I’m almost to forty and there is so much I still wish I could ask you. How do I raise my son to be a man, a good man when I still haven’t found a man to love me, all of me the way you loved mom? I am as clueless as the day you passed. 

I feel like I am always too much or too little. Too soft or too hard. My insecurities ruin my self worth and my love. I’m tainted by all my faults and they bleed into my heart and my love. Growing up I was always too nice, then too trusting. I give with my whole heart, in love and in friendship, I can’t not want to love someone. Even when it means no one is returning that love to me. I guess I justified it because caring is part of what makes me who I am. Like you can’t care too much. Well it’s taken me a long time but it really just makes me a fucking fool. 

What do you do when you find out your love and caring will never be enough? What do you do when you have no one to communicate with? I know Love is magically and beautifully imperfect. I just want to feel it back. The forgiveness for the imperfections and the magic of being comfortable with each other’s insecurities and baggage. I don’t want to be alone holding everyone’s problems as my own. I want to share the weight. Share the laughter and the struggle. 

I’m tired of feeling like the problem and the solution. I give and I want to take. I want the conversation instead of awkward silence. I want him to know me and how I feel. I can’t be stuck working out our life problems all alone. If it’s truely ours, then we share these burdens and the joys. 

Man in the Moon, how do I know the difference between a real connection and what’s just a distraction ? The distance between me and love feels far greater than the earth to the moon. And just as cold and dark. 

Tomorrow is another day, filled with promise and lurking doom. It’s taken me a long time to find the beauty in the pain, but your little girl isn’t so little and I am just as clueless and in need of real love and attention. I find kindness in the conversation of strangers that I cannot find in my life. I find myself doubting everything I know. Another day closer to still not getting anywhere. Tomorrow I’ll at least try to find that on the treadmill. 😒

Good Night Moon

Sweet Surrender is all that I have to give. 





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