chilling night time thoughts

To The Man In The Moon -
I am the person who puts effort in when I can with all I can. Sticking with the same lotions, shampoos, perfumes, because I want you to always have a special connection to each and every part of me, and me to you. To the point of doing these things as a ritual of hope that I can spark something deep and warm, comfort and home, love and peace, desire for me in even the difficult moments. The one who always wants you to know that while I do things to myself, they are still tied to the love I need, desire and feel for you. I try and listen, notice, question, challenge and spark the fire and center of who you are, what you think , what you believe, how you feel. Love. That will forever evolve because we do and seeing you and us grow and change is part of that love, that unconditional part that will always want to see, feel and stimulate something stronger and deeper. 
I hurt myself to do more, try harder to be better for not just me, or Liam but for us as a couple, and us as a family. 
I am not healed by what he is doing. I am not in a place of forgiveness. Nothing has been done that is anything more than basic. And after everything, right now I feel stuck. I want to reach out, touch you, love you, be your person. But I still see you evade. Its so obvious and you laugh or belittle my moments, my attempts at conversation or closeness. If i keep down this road how much more difficult will it get to believe you. I want to break down the wall that is these horrible words, acts, likes, hearts, follows, and comments made to people who are not each other.  I think often now. Undecided with the part of you that lies without restraint. Will I ever be enough for someone alway looking for the next best thing. I try so much harder, I love, I cry, I hurt myself to mean/be anything to you. Anything you might see or feel that would show you I am worthy of your love. How pathetic 

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