June 2023

To The Man In The Moon -
I have been stuck in the hospital for a week. And in every moment when I am in desperate need of a moment to find my thoughts and catch my breath there are always more and more people coming to take a stab at me. Literally. When I am desperate for someone to help me they all disappear and I am left struggling. But when I can't fight or be hurt or take anymore pain then it's like they are all here for their pound of flesh. It's maddening. I have cried and fought and soothed and pleaded and begged and prayed and I feel only the opposite of that of which I seek. I'm sure some God or Devil revils in my demise. And I can't find a lick of love left. Especially for myself. 
I found the truth to be bitter ans yet I didn't once try to deny it. Whatever fresh hell I find I ultimately deserve to some degree. My existence here is based on flaws. My only hope to put some sort of love and spice into what and who Liam is. When I am gone it will only matter to me that he loved was loved and was happy and I think I may fail in that as well. 
I dont know what grand thoughts of love and life and purpose  I am have had but I have chased all the light away. Yes I have sought help for my depression and no one gives a shit. One day I'll be gone and it will be just a dandelion seed in the wind crossing across the earth and eventually fading away. 
It is what it is. I am nothing here.
I will try and find things to change my view but I am nothing more than I will ever be. Liams mother is all I ever wanted to be. I failed at so many things what is one more thing?
I thought long and hard about love and no matter what I give it's never enough to be loved in return with the same furiousity. We can't be made into things we were never meant to be. Maybe that's just the cruelty of life. I miss my family. I miss my mother. Fuck everything and everyone else in thus moment I just wish I could hear her speak with her and remember what it is to be loved. Of everything I miss it's her love. It's the unjudgemental pure encompassing love the one I never had to explain or decyfer or figure out. 

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