what I would rather

To The Man In The Moon -

What I would rather worry about...
Definitely not about whether we can pay the mortgage again this month, not about the electric bill or the water, or the fact that Liam still needs a new pair of glasses, whether I will be able to get up and do the laundry and the dishes, whether I will be in pain and vomiting, whether I will have to fight with Dustin to help with the trash, paying the overdraft fees on his account, figuring out how to pay the car insurance and get Dustin's car tagged, preparing Liam for the next 3 weeks of MAP testing and then trying to get him to enjoy bowling and his last 5th grade experiences like the dance and graduation and then going to 6th grade, being able to go to the funeral for my family member, making it through tomorrow and the next day and not being a basket case trying to smile and not freak out and be stressed  and lose my shit. Worrying that no matter what I'm never going to be able to do enough to make things work out. 
I can't talk about it. For all the people that are in this next to me and I am screaming inside and I can't let it out and breath. I just need...a lot and I feel lost. I just want my mom. I want to talk to my fucking mom. I need her. I need to fight it out and cry and then find my way to laugh about it and take a step towards making it through. Fuck. 

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