Word of the Season : Frustrated

It's been a rough couple of weeks. In actuality a rough season. Liam has been struggling so hard. Running, escaping, angry and yep FRUSTRATED. Same kid, fucking SAME!!!!
Dustin's attitude and constant fighting to get basic things done still every single day and 
I try to be understanding with everyone's problems and issues but FUCK!!! I know that Matt is tired and sore. He's working hard all week and getting up early. I dont fault him for wanting to take a nap or for being tired. 
The thing is I don't sit well with empty words. Constant apologies only go so far.
I have been worried that my love and my want to comfort and love and make him feel special would start to feel one sided and even after conversations I am left still feeling it. 
The other night I had sex with him because he wanted it. He said he felt bad about it when I called out the way he made me feel but I dont feel or see his apology in his actions 
He did help me get the dished done the other day but then it seemed like he wanted credit for it. And the thing is this should be basic behavior for living with someone and not because he loves me. I came in to spend time with him before bed and snuggle and he played his game until he got in bed and went to sleep. I came in and laid down told him what I came in for...to be with him and he kept playing his game, so I started cleaning my shelves off. Then when I started to put the stuff away sp I could snuggle...he was already going to bed. 
So FRUSTRATED that no matter how many times I say it he doesn't see it.. Different waves.
I'm pulling back. I feel it. I am feeling like we are just going through the motions. He tried telling me all this stuff last night before he basically wanted to get off ans go to bed. But it's just words. 
Are we special? I don't feel special right now. I don't feel connected and close. I feel ignored and FRUSTRATED. 
I know he's not Dustin. But this feels so similar. Something that should and could be great but just isn't. I'm scared to love him.
I want to scratch his back, kiss him, snuggle him. But I want to be loved too. And I don't.  It feels like me doing things and loving him is expected and that I should be grateful that he says he loves me and be thankful for what he does give me. After everything...I am just more FRUSTRATED and I'm getting angry and wanting to protect myself and my heart. Because I don't need to be thankful and greatful...I need to feel loved and cherished back. I dont want to be the one who loves someone more anymore. I want to feel like someone is grateful  and thankful that I love them. 
The things I am feeling and seeing now are the things I feared. Him lying and sleeping with Ashley, wanting attention from other women, lying about social media and not following through with all his sweet words. I decided not to go through his phone anymore. But I'm sure he could hide whatever he is or isn't doing and that's why I gave up. Because whatever he wants, he can have it. If it's me then he would show me. No amount of words will fix things. It just breaks my heart feeling this way and seeing things remain
the same when I want to be loved and feel love I have to beg for it. 
I can't make him love me like I need to be loved. Maybe I can't be..
I am constantly left feeling like less.. He obviously wants something but it's not me.

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