once again I am hoping

I want to believe him when he tells me that I am his world. I want to believe that this man will love me and love my son and make us his world. I have prayed for it. But. I dont believe he is done with other women. I think that if the opportunity arose I would need to worry. I am his world here. But that's temporary. Things will change. I dont feel secure. I feel like I am a good thing until he finds something something shiny and new and better. 
I am never enough. I wasn't enough evem after he decided I was what he wanted so I know I won't be enough now. 
Hes a great guy. He's an amazing guy and I am lucky he would even try to make something happen with me.  But I can't trust my heart. I was so sure and now I feel rejected and unwanted. He made me feel so special and wanted and treasured and now I get scared that when he touches me I'm all wrong. That he's comparing me to her and all these other women who want him. I sit and wonder if he talked to them like he did me. If his snaps and texts and Instagram likes and Twitter likes are what make them smile. If he is still talking with them. If all these calls are really who they say they are. If he asked for her money or if she sent it to him the same way I would for dinner or to help out. And I want to vomit. Why he searches for her dad's Facebook. Whether he really talked to his family and friends about me or Liam at all. Because honestly...I am not sure I believe anything he says. 
He has made me question what the truth is and it's killing me. My heart breaks and I am trying to hold all the pieces together. 
Will i ever know the truth? Will I ever feel all this love and passion he says he has in buildinga life with me? When he holds my hand and he says he wants this and us, is it because he feels stuck just like he said he did with Ashley unable to walk away or hurt her? How if he loves me and I did and gave him so much and I mean so much Why Why Why and if he doesn't know how can he know he won't ever do it again. If it was so easy before the only thing that's changed here is opportunity. So again...am I just a put stop to something better? A warm bed and a soft spot a loving person to help him through? Am  I everything he claims  me to be? Am I whom he loves and cherishes? Am I as much as he is to me? Cause I'm scared. Nope straight terrified and feeling very confused. 
 Can I trust him? Can I trust myself? Can I trust in us and what we want to be? Am I what he wants? Is he able to be what I want and need? Am I able to be that for him? Because that's part of what has me so scared. If I am all these amazing and wonderful things to him wouldn't he have felt that always and never had cause to doubt it or do anything to diminish it? 
And it feels worse that I feel bad for feeling doubt and questioning how he feels!! Am I so damaged that I have no worth? Fuck me. 😭

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