All Wrong

I feel disappointment. I feel like I have failed. He says he wants me. But then he never really does. He likes me to want him. I get it. But I am spent so much time being and feeling unwanted. He swears hes happy but I feel like it's not true. He feels different. I feel like I am all wrong. Like it's not what he thought like I am not. All the things I thought we would be likeable, all the ways I thought we would be.. I feel like things are different. Adjustments. 
I hope. 
I feel like I am bad like I am just... 
I want to make him happy but when I can't I just feel like I failed. 
He isn't talking to me or sharing things with me. I'm scared to push or ask.
I dont dare touch his phone. And that scares me too. I'm not stupid. 
I can be as honest and forth coming as I can be but when I know he has lied..does he think I don't know?
I wanted there to be excitement or something to be able to figure things out together but it like we are both... lost
Thr other day I got up early with him, fucked up the coffee..sweat my butt off in the car waiting for his interview and then tried to make things better with donuts and his favorite coffee drinks. He had this great interview and I was just excited and happy for him. I thought regardless of my mess ups we could get some of his stuff out of the garage, get things ready for the dump but he wanted to lay down and then he napped and I was trying to get things done and Dustin was motivated. I feel torn sometimes. All the things that I need to do and what he wants to do. And it feels disconnected. I feel like I am wrong. He makes me second guess myself..how I feel what I do..what I say and it is upsetting me. I love him and I try to do a lot to show him that what he wants matters. But things feel very one sided. I have begged to be loved so much in my life...and when it felt like I was begging for approval..I just felt this disconnect. And I saw him like I see Dustin. And it made me feel .... again lost. I want to feel the words he says to me. 
Today I tried to just not care. 
That sounds bad but I had to let go of caring whether I am enough. Whether I am doing what he wants or likes. I'm exhausted every day. I just keep trying. Trying to forgive myself when I falter, when I struggle and when I fail. 
Because if I am truly honest..
I shouldn't be the only one who cares .. who loves who hurts and who cries because if thisnis southing truly worth having we would both be diving in head first.

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