June Already

To The Man In The Moon

Dear Dad,

June. I can't believe it's already June. This time last year I was in a hospital bed puking, unable to eat or keep down fluids. I believe I had a tube down my nose, trying to feed my body. It's been a crazy year. Every year you hope, that this year will be better than the last. But are they ever really? I mean you can compare illnesses, deaths with births, marriages with divorces but really, what's the deciding factors? In the end the year was what is was because you have to learn to take the good with the bad. I think I am finding that more difficult as I get older instead of easier. I guess maybe I should hope to just handle the years better instead of hoping the year is better.

 
Mom is doing better. I think anyway. It's hard to tell with her health. Some day's I think that she's doing really well and then I am not so sure the next one. She had her tests done, they thought they knew what was going on. Bleeding in her lower stomach or something like that, but when they went into fix it, the bleeding had stopped and they didn't know what to fix. We're still not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. But we are looking at the bright side which is she isn't bleeding right now so we don't have to worry about her needing more transfusions.

Liam is getting bigger and smarter by the minute. I gave him a haircut and while he came out looking okay, it totally wasn't worth the hassle. He does so good for the salon stylist but for me he just cried and cried. It was torture. For the both of us!

Today he fell and hit his mouth on Grandma Judy's end table. We took him to the Urgent Care Center at Children's Mercy North and basically he hit one incisor more than any other and we will just have to wait and see what happens. It's possible that he hit it hard and cut the blood supply off to the nerve of the tooth and that it may get looser and fall out early. Which means for quite a few years the poor kid will be funny looking without his tooth. I am not sure at what age that tooth would even try to grow back but since he is only 2 and a half, I know it would be quite a while. Poor kid. But I am trying to stay optimistic. Trying. You know that isn't my strong suit.

Dustin and I are doing okay. Marriage can be very stressful. And I am pretty strong minded about family. You and mom did to good a job. We really want to move. And money just isn't cooperating. Like always. All I want is a house. It feels like the world is against us sometimes. Every step we take forward it seems something comes and knocks us 10 steps back. Way of the world I suppose. It makes me wonder how other people seem to have it so freaking easy. I'd say unfair but it seems so much more than that. Someday though. I just keep dreaming... someday.

Liam still loves the moon. He looks for it at night as soon as it gets dark. We just had a super moon and I really wish he could have seen it. One day I would love it if we got to show him the moon through the telescope just like you used to show me. I used to think the moon was so magical. I have you to thank for keeping that magic alive. I really  can't wait to share it with my little man. As much as simply writing to you makes me feel better I can't help wishing I could just hear you talk back to me. To hear your thoughts, some fatherly advice. It hard to miss something I haven't ever really known since I was nine. I don't even have words. I don't know if its that we never got the chance to really know each other, or if its more that I just missed you being here. Or even that Liam will never know you. Sometimes I think that's what's worse. He really would have loved you. He would have thought you were a super hero or something. Just like I did.

I think I am going to start talking with someone about all this crap. I would say I think life kind of broke me, but really I think it was being a mom that really did it. lol  When that little baby was born it changed me, right down to my core. I lost a lot of my sturdiness. lol I don't know if that's the word I really mean but it works I guess. Either way, I think I need a push. My temperament, mood and follow through shifts way too dramatically throughout the day. I need a push.

Dad, as always, I miss you. I love you. Please watch over us and especially my little man. I love you so much.

Sondra

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