Stormy Spring Night

To The Man In The Moon

Dear Dad,

Once again I have to say its been too long. Being a mom to a two year old is a bright and chaotic thing. The best thing. Now that he is getting bigger it seems everyday I think " If Grandpa could see you now". I see the same look on Grandma's face. It keeps you close to our hearts.

Tonight is a perfect spring night. Thunderstorms rolled in and the thunder is going to lull us all to a nice peaceful sleep I think tonight. Spring is here. I keep thinking about how badly we need to go up to Smithville and visit you. Liam is getting so big. He is so full of love and wonder. He is your grandbaby, he love fish. He just got his first official pet. Well technically he second. He had a fish. A beta that was a pretty red and blue. Poor thing never really even got a name. He died 3 days after we got him. So now he has 4 goldfish. The Avengers  - Hulk, Thor, Ironman and Captain America though we just call him Captain. He has always loved fish. His first trip to the aquarium while we were on vacation in Gulf Shores, AL was just amazing.




I finally got to take mom to see the ocean. This past August she went with Dustin's family and I down to Gulf Shores. She sat with her feet in the sand and she walked out and put her toes in the warm gulf water and played with Liam. It was fantastic and it did my heart good. It was a great time. Beautiful and I think she will never forget it. I was glad to share it with her and Liam. I felt like I finally did something right. Though I know she would have given almost anything to have shared it with you. But I know you were with us too.

I have to come clean. I am utter terrified that I am ultimately following in your footsteps and not in the way that I probably should. My health is utterly depressing. lol I am trying to be better. Not as much as I should but then I am nothing if not my fathers daughter. I love you. I hope I make it a long time though and I admit freely I want to be around for a long time. I want to see my Liam become a husband and a dad. I know how hard it is to miss a parent and I don't want Liam to know that for a long long time. I pray that you will try and help me. I know you are there even when I am most dire and depressed and cannot admit to feeling it. Faith is something I constantly struggle with. And again I pray something you will help me with. I need a lot of help. lol Well I certainly could use it anyway.

Liam is our constant. Our light shining through all dark times. He is our sparkle and he is everything that makes me believe in everything. He makes me hope and dream. I see him and I am reminded of everyone we love and miss. I know every guardian angel my little boy has and how loved he is by everyone and we are blessed. He will be a very good, kind, and special man. I know it. I wish so much to see you pick him up and smile at him. To make him laugh and to grab his pookie cheeks. It hurts to know how much he missed out on just not having you around.I hurt more for him that even for myself. But who else would watch over my little man, no one quite like you.

I am trying to teach him so much. He loves to learn and to draw. I wonder if he will be artistic and I pray and hope so. He loves music so much. He is such a fun dancer. His laugh is so cute. And so many times his little ornery face makes me laugh and makes me trying to discipline him so freaking difficult. Its so hard to be a parent sometimes and keep a straight face. He has been such a star in our lives. It amazes me how each day I love him so much more. It seems impossible to love something so much. I wish I had you to talk to about all the wonders of being a parent. I wish you were here to help me teach Dustin. He misses so much. It hurts my heart sometimes and I know I then turn that to frustration and anger. I wish so much I had you to talk to about marriage. I know there is so much that you could have help me learn in a much easier way. lol

Its better to get these disappointment and these truths out. I can breath. I miss you.

Last March we got to go and see Mike and Debbie and introduce Liam to them for the first time. It was an utterly horrible trip save that day. That trip had been an utter disappointment from the get go. Minus mom getting to see the mountains again. It was just mom, Liam and I for most of that trip. Thankfully we made our own memories, but as a family, I still cannot believe how horrible it was. Dustin spent his trip skiing and spent no time with us. Didn't do anything with us or with his son. My heart broke. I still have not gotten over it. But that day, finally driving home and getting to stop in Elisabeth and see Debbie and Nikki and Mike, that day was the best day. My heart was full and light. It felt so good to hug them and get to see them with Liam. It was a day that I had once believed would never happen. It made me happy to see mom so happy. It filled her heart as it filled mine. It brought you there. We could feel it. Nothing can describe how happy we were. We are, having them back in our lives.


I hope we get to go back again soon. I am not sure how many vacations we will get to have but we have had some good ones. I still want to go back to Bull Shoals. It's a personal mission of mine. I want to share that with Liam. I want to share it with mom too. Ugh dad. I missed writing to you. I missed letting these things go. No matter how long and far in between these post may be, I will keep writing. I will keep you with me.

I love you.

Sondra

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