The Beginning of May

To The Man In The Moon

Dear Dad,

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Caroline and Wheat came into town, Mother's Day and then we all got sick. Some of us still are.

It was so great to see everyone and to get out and have a drink like an adult. It seems silly but I missed little man. I think while I was pregnant and sick and everything and then now still getting no sleep...somewhere along the way, I got old. I enjoy going out and stuff but not being out all night. And I enjoy a couple of drinks but not to the point of being drunk. I really wish I had more friends that were on the same page in life as me. I would like to go to a movie, out to lunch, or breakfast instead of being out late at night. I enjoy being a mom and taking care of Liam. I like reading and watching my shows. I would enjoy life more if I had more people that enjoyed the same things that I do. It stinks when the people you care about and try to share your life with and want them to share their lives with you suddenly shut you out. But I guess in life you lose and grow out of a lot of things. I hope whatever comes after this is for the better. I would like to grow into someone that finds life more enjoyable. lol

Mother's Day was not quite what I expected it to be. I may have had some unrealistic expectations since it was my 1st Mother's Day, but I think it's fair to say that it fell REALLY short. Part of that had a lot to do with the fact I was up all night and then Liam kept me up and didn't want to sleep, and then I woke up with a sore throat which turned into a cold from hell. Dustin got me a sweet card from him and then picked out a nice one from Liam...but it was more adult that I would have chosen for a 1st Mother's Day...Men. But then that was it. Yep. For my 1st very anticipated Mother's Day I got cards.
:( Of course I was sad and disappointed but I kept it in and tried to chalk my hurt up to being sick but a week later I told Dustin how sad I was. I just don't think he understands. I would return the favor and give him a crappy Father's Day but that seems to evil and petty. I think we are going to be in St. Louis that weekend visiting Sharron, Jim and the kids and going to the zoo anyway. So I will have to do something special on the go which is giving me quite a bit to try and figure out...and I do not like it. lol
At least I have a month to think it over. :)

I am still fighting my stinking cold. Mom caught it the other day and she just stays in her room and sleeps. I have to pester her to eat and to take anything. She hasn't said a word to me about any of her medications which is worrisome. It's hard trying to take care of her and Liam, and Dustin and myself. Jeff is still staying with us every other day. He is here every weekend at least. I try and ask mom what's going on but of course she either doesn't care or refuses to ask. It's getting a little crazy since he never says anything about when he would like to stay or what he's doing and he acts like its mom's apartment rather than Dustin's and I think it's extremely rude to assume he can come and go as he pleases in MY home. But of course I have to be accepting of everyone and everything. I am not allowed to get upset or mad about anything.

On a lighter subject, Maddie had her Bridal Shower yesterday. Mom and I are still battling our cold so we decided to skip it and luckily Susan came over and picked up Grandma Evalyn's pin for her to wear on her wedding day. Mom is letting her borrow it and then it has a blue stone in it. I hope it means as much her as it meant to me to be able to wear it on my wedding day. I am sad she never will get to meet Kevin, Maddie's fiance or Dustin or Liam. It's amazing astounding how sad such a beautiful thing can be.

Ugh. I sit down to write you a letter and I end up sounding like a complainer. Maybe I am. 

I would like to be happy. Sometimes I am happy, I think.

I love my baby. He makes me laugh even when he's mad and screaming his head off. I am so happy to be his mom. So obviously I don't hate my life. But sometimes I feel like a horrible person for not being happy with my life. It's like I feel like I am not allowed to want other things too. Like I should just be thankful for what I have and that if I want anything else then I am ungrateful. Which is silly. Right?

Ugh. I need some fatherly advice.

Do I expect to much from Dustin? Am I only setting myself up for unhappiness? Are my expectations too high? I would ask but no one will answer.

I want Liam to have the happy, loving childhood I grew up with. I want the happiness I saw you and mom share. I want the easy, comfortable love that just is constant and everlasting. Lately I feel like I am fighting and no one is on my side. Like I am swimming up stream one handed when I clearly have two hands...only one isn't cooperating.

Getting married and having a child in one year doesn't make life easy.

It's just hard to believe and wrap my head around the fact that our 1 year anniversary is coming in 2 weeks. I mean, when Mother's Day is just a card, what will our anniversary be?

Dad, you set some high expectations. lol I don't know how other girls feel about their dad's, but you were my hero. I saw how much you loved mom in everything you did. I see how much she loves you. Still carrying around a card from the flowers you sent her, it just makes my heart so happy. It's not wrong for me want that for myself. You left me with some pretty high hopes, and not very many people have ever fit the bill...and no one has really came close! I am not sure anyone ever will.

I love Dustin. He doesn't know or understand how much I love him and believe in him. I am only disappointed by the way he never uses his potential. I hope that I can help him grow and learn, and love him all along the way. I just want to be loved, and to love. I want to share my life and my love and have him share the same with me.

Well, today is Monday. We are supposed to find out what Jennie is having today! My days are very open since I don't have a thing to do. Well, really I have a billion things to do but not really. It's supposed to be nicer outside today, 66. I would like to take Liam for a walk today but I know mom won't really be up for it and I don't like the idea of walking by ourselves, alone. So maybe today will just be bath day. I know I have some things I need to get together and throw into the washer, and the living room needs to be picked up. The physical therapist comes next Wednesday so I will need to pick up and get Liam back into routine. After his stuffy nose and me being ill we had to take a little break. I know that's not good but what can I do about that now? He also has his surgical consult appointment so we can talk about his circumcision. I am totally worried about it. I just am so worried. I am happy that we will get to have the consult and time to ask questions.

Good grief, its 8:35 in the morning and I still haven't been to sleep. Liam is gonna wake up in about an hour so I should try and get some sleep before I have to get up with him. He is always pretty bright-eyed when he wakes up for the morning.

I know I write this every time but it's never quit being true...I miss you.

I am so glad you are up there watching over Liam and all of us. I hope you know how much I miss you and love you. I hope you can hear/see/feel this. I wish I could hear/see/feel you with us. But I will never stop wishing.

Love,
Sondra

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