1st Day Of Spring

To My Man in the Moon
Dear Dad,

I don't know what I am going to do. Today mom had her Dr's appointment with Dr. Townsend and she was told that she wouldn't be able to withstand any further chemo, so all they could do is hope to shrink the tumor to make her more comfortable but that there was nothing further we could do. Hospice Care was mentioned several times. I think even she doesn't know what to do. I think before Liam was here, everything was black and white. She would live until she just didn't. She has had a long life, and she is ready to be with you. But now that Liam is here, I think its not quite as easy as it was before. I know nothing is for me. I don't know what kind of timeline we are talking about but I think after this radiation, its going to be like holding our breath. But I feel like I already am. I am trying to be level headed about this because I know that's what she needs. I have to keep my wits about me and not freak out though everything inside of me is scared and screaming.

I am not going to have anyone. My rock will be gone. I am beyond terrified to be in this world alone. I have a baby who is going to depend on me to tell him everything about his Grandpa and Grandma. He is never going to have the chance to know you guys at all. I am just lost. I wish I could extract all of her memories and her lessons, all her knowledge and love and save it for him. I wish someone could do that for me. And I want a timeline. I want to know when its going to happen and where. So I am prepared. If someone could please arrange that for me, I might feel a little better about losing my mom. But no, somehow, I doubt anything is going to help with that.

I miss you. I knew you for only a short time, and I miss you more than words can ever say. How am I going to make it through losing mom? She gave me so much of you. She taught me so much about you. Losing her, I am losing everything. Every part of her and every part of you. There is so much left for her to teach me, about being a mom, about life. She deserves to know heaven. She's given everyone here on earth so much! But I can't help but be selfish and want more. I don't want to be an adult and start looking at hospices and DNR's and planning her funeral. It's not fair. And I know nothing in life is, but I am still not resigned to it. I just want to explode. But I am putting on my big girl shoes. No time to cry about it now.

I miss you and hope you are making preparations to Welcome her, while I am making preparations to say Goodbye.

Love you lots.

Sondra

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