What It Feels Like

To The Man In The Moon-

Im struggling pretty hard at this point. I have wanted to write several dozen times but I dont. It all feels like too much. Too much to think about, worry about. Too much to speak or write down. Its heavy carrying it all around. But I dont feel safe. I dont feel heard. I dont feel loved. 
How do I speak or write down all these things without putting them into the universe and assuredly bring them to my front door?
I cant even talk to myself. So I am just carrying around all this weight and sorrow and fear. 
I have been thinking a lot about self love. Since I do not feel loved. I have also been thinking about when I last truly felt safe, secure and loved. 
My illness has reared its ugly head over the last couple of weeks. Matt and I have managed to keep me from having to go to the hospital. Today has been better. No vomiting, some stomach pains, and gas pains. My bowels are not happy either. My nutritionist suggested I add a probiotic and magnesium to my diet. So as soon as I am able I will get those ordered. 
I am trying to focus on what being healthy feels and looks like for me. Trying positive manifestation and stuff so I am hoping that will help. 
Everyday is difficult. 
I feel like I am not really here. Or maybe Matts not really here. 
I have told him as much as I can right now. I keep trying to have conversations with him. I still feel there is so much that needs to be said. But he has nothing to say. And when I try to tell him that all of this makes me feel like I cant talk to him, that I dont know how, well. He just says thats not good. No duh. 
Where did the man go that made me feel special, beautiful, and wanted?
I feel like I am just here. Just some fixture in his life. He say he wants to have sex with me but then has no desire to make me feel loved. He just wants to be able to have sex. 
It feels a whole lot like before. When he ended up going to seek out whatever it is that I am lacking. 
I hate looking at myself in the mirror.  I dont want to wear clothes and put on makeup and try to do my hair. I feel unloved. I feel lonely and sad. 
I hate everything about myself. All my flaws leading to the loss of someone I love so deeply but he does not feel the same. Its no wonder he wanted someone else. I dont love myself either. Going to cry now. 
Love- 
Me

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