Being The Only One

To The Man In The Moon  - 
I have been through enough bullshit to last a lifetime. I am hardly a model adult. Just the thought makes me laugh and or roll my eyes. I just am so tired. I'm emotionally drained. Physically I am so lumpy, old, crunchy, scratchy, dirty and washed up. I am a fucking mess. I know it. Sometimes I feel less hateful to myself but overall, yeah. Having been through one failed marriage and now at the end of a second one, I can say I am disillusioned. I wanted to grow old in this body as gracefully and warmly as I could. Confident in my heart and soul with my partner who felt the same. It seemed easy to me. To love someone else so strongly that I loved who we were in all our imperfect glory. Laughing through the tears, raging in the dark, softly living our lives together as a team. 
I guess I was so fucking wrong? Life is so hard, bills, work, illness, pain, loss, debt, hatred, fear. It seemed to me that having that person who could look through the hard stuff and still have the tender parts protected within each others arms, and safe.. just home within each others eyes. 
Someone who didnt doubt, hurt you, lie, cheat, steal, belittle, destroy, punish, torture, ignore and blame you. Someone who would build you up, respect you, see you, hear you, acknowledge you and your value. Somehow, I have desired, prayed, begged, and wished for an impossible magic. Today it is just hard to carry it all.
I am not perfect. I need someone to be my partner. To see my fears, doubts, needs, wants, wishes, and try to meet me there! 
I want to be better. A better mom. A better human. A better me. Cleaner me. More organized and put together me. Happy me. Instead I look at all the broken promises. 
The house falling apart. The neglect that happens in every mother fucking facet of my life. No one cares that we could be better. No one cares. I want someone to care that we are failing. I want someone who is willing to work to make this right for us, for our future. 
I feel lost, Dad. I feel stuck. I feel empty, and no one else on this planet seems to notice...or care. 

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