Great Expectations

To The Man In The Moon  -
This weekend was the Gem and Mineral Show. I tried talking Liam into going but he jist isnt into it. I dont know if all the previous experiences were ruined for him as the were almost ruined for me? I think I am his problem. But I will always keep trying. And I told him so. 
Today we are supposed to go to the Metaphysical Fair  over at Harrahs. I dont have much money but I am trying to make it work. 
Matt started Vivance on Friday. He also is on a new dose of Effexor. (I believe) 
I had high hopes but realistic expectations. Medicine can help but I have never known them to fix things entirely. At least in these class of drugs. 
We had a good time yesterday. 
But it was not a good day. I am not trying to sabotage or derail him from this journey. Obviously I am hoping he finds help and relief from the things that hurt, stress or cause him pain or trouble. 
Therapy, medication and starting healthy habits is super important not just for him but everyone. 
That being said he still ignores me. Still have no interest in the things I am talking about and will put right start getting short and misunderstanding or whatever and on purpose. What he deems important to know or hear determines whether it is heard and understood. I am not expecting a miracle here. But as things continue I am finding that I dont like being treated this way. I do not find happiness and joy in the exchanges we have had. Last night I tried to talk to him and got exactly NO WHERE. When we went to bed. I again tried to talk to him and got complete silence back. 
I honestly went to bed with the thought that while we may be able to get him help and therapy, I am not sure I want to fix us. 
It was a hard stop. I am not confident that he loves me or can love me the way I need to be loved. I am trying to jist keep breathing. Once I start down that road, it would take far more effort than he has ever given or shown me to stop me from walking away. 
Its just been a long long experience. 
I have been sitting waiting since October for there to be some sort of communication and work to be started on us and here we are in the middle of March and I dont know if I even want to fix this because of the excuses and the noncommital one sided talks. Because I am still waiting to be chosen, to be loved. 
I am losing my desire, my dedication my fire, my love for him. Because he doesn't try. And truthfully if he had decided over a year ago he didnt want me, I shouldn't be surprised that nothing has changed. 
I really had to get that out. Fuck Dad. 
I am looking for some clarity today. I am opening myself up hoping I can connect with someone to help me on this path. I love you. I miss you and Mom so much. 😢 

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