Going Out Like A Lamb

To The Man In The Moon  - 
Dad. I am stumbling. I am lost. This emotional roller-coaster is taking too many turns, and I am lost in these crazy loops. 
I feel like I don't know what love is. I am not sure if I ever had it. Or if I had it, I am unsure how I lost it. Did I give it up? Did I simple let it go? Like a balloon in a windstorm that I somehow lost my grip. Was it stolen? By some thief in the night? Did I abuse it? Did it quietly fade away? 
I am falling down the hole, back into despair. My body is sick and with it goes my head. I have to see my psychiatrist week and I think I had better ask for some help. I know that its so many factors but I can't tell which is my own hell and which is hell that is wroght on me. 
Happiness is this fleeting moment that I cant quite grip. Its comes and is gone before I can take another breath. 
Dustin won't even come into the house now when he drops off Liam. I want to have an honest conversation with him. I dont know if he is scared to or if he just simply doesnt want to have anything to do with me ever again. How do I co-parent with someone who avoids all conversations? Liams spring break is this week and I dont think he even cares to spend time with his kid. God its such a mess. 
Matthew, fuck. 
I dont even know where to begin. 
I lost him. He still keeps talking like I am the love of his life. But doesnt actually love me and give me love. I am just that person he wished he loved. I have been that person for him since the beginning. 
He used to give me hope. Courage. Longing. Desire. 
What happened? What did I do? I am never enough and some how always too much. 

I had fire. I had strength. I had love, to give to share and now I am just a shell. 
Hollow. Empty. 
I am going to try and escape. 
From reality and longing. 
From sadness and the tears that always drowned my hope. 
I have no resolve. No power. Right now I am just silent, mourning life and quietly watching it all dissolve into tears. 

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