And it Kills me, I just dont understand

To The Man In The Moon  -
I am trying to sit and breath through the difficult parts. Be it Matt and I, my anxiety, Liam, the tough moments that always seem so much harder than they should be. I am also trying to defuse when I can. 
I am working for my peace. I no longer want to carry the weight of bullshit. I have plenty of problems and issues and I would like to pause and give those parts of me a breath. Fighting is too much. I dont want to fight myself anymore. I want to love all of me. I dont expect others to come with me lol or join in. I just dont want to pretend that these issues and problems arent justified given the things I have been through. I can want to change them but I am tired.of fighting them. I am not stupid. 
I have seen too many things to keep letting things slide. It diminishes me and who I am. I have gained weight since October. I have been at war with so many parts of myself that I just didnt care anymore about how I felt about myself. I have been more concerned with what someone who is supposed to love me thinks and feels and sees me. I have recently sat with that and realized. He doesn't. I agonized of trying to smell nice. Be fair, smiles, be encouraging, be loving and tender.  Be understanding and compassionate. But when I am silent and wait for that to be returned. There isnt anything there. I ask questions but they dont matter. There is a difference between when I talk to him about things, important things (TO ME). Its all lost to void. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it unless I pursue or push it. I am better than this. I am. I love him and he disappeared on me. He has no answers for me. He loves that I love him. He loves the way I can make him feel. How long have I been needing him to make me feel loved and chosen? Special? 
I keep trying and I am so disappointed in myself. I am trying to find a way to love me. Because no one else will. 
I dont want to give up on me. To hell with the world. I am the only one that is here to hear my cries, to feel my pain. I miss love. I miss wanting to be heard, to be known, to be felt, to be cherished, to be fought for, to be held tight, to be touched. 

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